Life....

Life has taken such a weird turn of events; some because of my choices, some because of someone else's choice, and some just happenstance.

The good. I've been blessed with a little boy. He's 8 months old now. The sweetest little guy (until recently...blaming teething!). Usually always full of gummy, wet smiles. He was a 'whoops' baby. One that I can't imagine living without now, but still wish it would've been under different circumstances.

I guess this is what comes down as one my choices. Me and my ex's divorce was granted in 2008. Then I got pregnant with the guy I was with (a childhood friend). I was devastated. He was happy, he didn't have kids and wanted a son. I just knew that he was too selfish to want to stick around and I would end up raising him on my own. Here it is, 2010, our son is 8 months old and guess what...I'm raising him on my own. Although I suppose he would think his 10 minutes of "dad time" would be considered help in raising him, but we all know it takes a lot more than a quick fix, (or maybe its an ease of conscience?)to be a parent.

I've always wanted the family life. A husband to come home to me and the kids. My ex worked out of state for 3.5 years of our 6 year marriage. Pretty much as soon as our 2nd child was born (he's now 5). So, I was a single parent over half of our marriage. I hated it. Hated being alone..I was more lonely married than i was single. People ask "why didn't you move to where his office was?" They don't realize he was only at his office Monday morning and then gone to a different part of the state (or another state) the whole rest of the week, changing every week.

Do I miss the father of my youngest? Yeah...I loved him. But I'm realizing that I loved the IDEA of him more than the person he is. He isn't 38 and single for no reason. Heck, he just moved out of his mom's house (because of the landlord, not because of his mom...she says she misses getting up at 4 and making his lunch. I use to tell her she was the perfect wife for him. Puke). Landlord kicked him out cause he was suppose to pay extra rent and he didn't. Now living with a pothead. Nice upgrade.

He obviously had some good about him. Or I wouldn't have fallen in love. Now, here it's been 2.5 weeks and I'm still in the grieving stage. Some days I feel great. Some times I have a mini breakdown. But I guess that's to be expected after spending 2 years with someone. I often wonder...does he miss me? Or what was his family? Does he ever lay in bed at night and wonder if we are doing the right thing? Does it ever hurt him so much that it's a physical pain as well as emotional?

I hate the thoughts of starting over..dating and all that jazz. Especially having kids. I'm thinking I'm just NOT. Im a christian (yea..fell off that wagon a time or two) but am happy to say I'm back on it and strapped in nice and tight. I realize that the ONLY way I'm going to make it with me and the 4 kids is to have God on my side. He is the only faithful thing I can count on.

On a good note and totally happenstance...I have my BOSSI clothing line. Got a guy (a local newsanchor guy) who is interested in partnering with me and getting it rolling. I keep thinking "can't I do it by myself?? Do I need a partner?" I'm flattered he is impressed with it and has faith in it, I just need to pray to make sure it's the right thing to do. And of course, get an attorney!

So here I am. Single mom, 4 kids. 2 parttime jobs (laying sod, waitressing) hoping to add another job into that mix. Creator of my BOSSI clothing line. Knowing that life is short and that memories are all we are left with. Knowing that my kids are the most important part of my life and that in the long run, its them...our family...that matters most.

Lonely and sad, but hopeful and believing that this is happening for a reason and knowing, without a doubt, that not only is God paving my way, but He's got my back too.