Isn't life strange? The places it takes you where you least expect it. The ups and downs. Things can be going great and BAM....something awful happens.
I've been struggling recently with death/life/sickness. Friends I have that are in their early 30's are getting cancer...they have young kids and here they are fighting for their lives. I have friends that started doing drugs in their adulthood and are now either strung out (usually meth or prescription drugs) or OD'd. Them too have young kids and here these parents are throwing their lives away! I have a friend who just tried to kill himself and he too has young kids. I have friends who lost their child to cancer.
Why does it seem that the people who love life, love their family, love to live are the ones who are dealt the lowest blows? Why are the ones who don't care about life, their children, theirselves and don't even bother taking care of themselves are the ones who continue to live? Now Im not suggesting that one life is worth more than another....wait, maybe i am!? I guess I think that a person who chooses to do drugs, let their poor children run the streets and don't take care of themselves do not have the same value in life as the person who does. Isn't that awful? I can't help it though. You can't help them unless they really want it so in the meantime their whole families lives are being torn apart.
I'm so tired of hearing of another person I know dealing with another low blow in their lives. Im tired of hearing of sick children, sick friends, another senseless death. Sometimes I live in fear thinking 'wow...is this going to happen to me or my loved one?'
Now I believe in God and I believe when we live our lives according to His will, HE has set the time for us to go. I also believe that we can step out of His will and die when it really isn't our time. Such as a friend of mine who just OD'd. I don't think it was his time to go. And it makes me angry.
So then I wonder why I live in this fear. I use to not be like this. I know God loves me and would help me even thru the darkest moment in life but I just don't want a moment like that to come! I keep reminding myself that if it's our time, we are going to go regardless if we are home in bed or driving down the road.
I've been reading the book The Shack. Great book. Shows me God in a different way. In a more loving way, rather than a Gandolf way. It's showing me that we don't always understand why he allows things to happen like they do but we don't see the whole picture like He does and we just need to trust. Sometimes I think I'm allowing satan to just destroy my joy and replace it with fear. I hate that I allow that to happen!
In a few weeks time, I lost the one friend to an accidental OD, another found out cancer was back and another tried to commit suicide. Each situation so different and I don't understand a single one. In the meantime, Im going to help my daughter make leaf soup.
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